... or Why Leaving Everything to Travel Around the United States On My Own Has Been Worth It Beyond My Wildest Dreams
 |
| Ye old childhood chair |
I’m sitting at home, in the same chair that has been in my
bedroom since I was born. It’s been reupholstered a few times, but really it’s
still the same chair. The same shape, the same type of fabric, although it
isn’t the same color; the material is brand new. I’ve been crying. One of those
cries where you just let it rip and sob your heart out. I had put on my
headphones and started listening to one of my favorite pieces by 1 Giant Leap,
and just let myself collapse. And with the music holding me, I was just there
with myself. I didn’t need to call my friend Amy to bawl on her shoulder,
although I knew she would have let me, anytime, anywhere. I didn’t start
texting Karin with messages about how I’ll never be good enough, because yes,
I’ve just been ditched again by a guy that I really really really like(d). I
don’t even go grab the parrot. I’m OK being alone with myself, and the music,
and my feelings. I’m OK waking up every morning with my chest tight, barely
able to breathe from loneliness and anxiety, and doing whatever I need to do
anyways. I couldn’t do this a year ago.
A year ago I also couldn’t have written the letter to Adi
(the guy I really really really like(d)) saying that the he was not responsible
for my hurt, nor could I help him with his, given the choice he had made to
break up with me, and the best thing that he could possibly do is leave me be
to heal on my own. (We had been going together for a number of months, when he
called me from his parents’ house over x-mas break to say that he had recently
met another girl and was already engaged to her. We met a few days later at his bequest. The
guilt about it was literally coming out of his pours, and he wanted to remain
friends, checking in on me, to see how I was ‘recovering’ every few days. But
to let him do that would not have been good for me, so I said so.)
 |
Banjo the Mustang
and I overcame our fears together
|
In writing that letter, I have taken another risk, I have
stood up for myself, just like I did a year and a half ago when I sold
most of my things, gave up my home, my well-paid job teaching Russian to high
school students, and took the road to work with complete strangers on ranches
with horses, because it's what I wanted to do.
I was on the road for a little over 9 months actually. I spent time
in Saskatchewan on a horse breeding ranch, and then down in Colorado working as
a drywall installer, riding the neighbors horses in the cow pastures in my
spare time. I went to New Mexico to gentle and train wild caught Mustang horses
on a Bureau of Land Management contract. I was planning to go to Tennessee to
work another horse ranch, but my car broke down midway in Coleman, Texas, and I
ended up going from church to church looking for someone who would take me in.
The car would take over a month to repair. I got to know Coleman fairly well by
then, and some awfully kind people too.
My car had been my life blood on the road, taking me from
place to place, through the most gorgeous of landscapes, and away from bat-shit-crazy-insane
ranch bosses at a moment’s notice. She (yes, my car is female) has also been
the source of some awesome music jamming and great conversations with myself
about myself and what I’m experiencing. And it was at this point (after $3000
of repairs!!) that I realized, I cannot keep doing this without knowing what is
going on under that hood. When I returned to Chicago, I took her to a local
mechanic for something minor, and was also advised that my front brake pads
were low.
Screw this, I
thought. I know someone who knows how to
work on cars. I’ll contact them and see if they can help me. My brake pads will
be the first part of my education.
 |
| My awesome and trusty Subaru WRX |
And so I found myself in the garage of the son of one of
my father’s graduate school friends. And that’s how it all started. I’ve spent
more of my summer and fall than I’d like to admit tinkering around with my car
and fixing all the things that so-called
‘professional’ mechanics messed up. And there was a lot! (I ended up
having to redo a shoddy clutch job that my local garage had done right before I
first set off. The repair that ended up being done in Texas also should never
have had to happen. It was the timing belt that broke and destroyed everything
in its wake. I had had the preventive maintenance done just 10 months earlier
in Chicago… badly as it turned out. I’m not going to list the rest of it, but
if you can believe it, there’s more!).
That’s how I ended up working in an auto shop.
And I really love it.
_______________________________
My name is lust,
I’m not a thing, more like a quality, I attach myself behind your eyes
temporarily and blind you everything you think you might want to be, make you
promise me everything for fame, for idolatry, and when I leave you cannot ever
follow me, find yourself confined in solitary.
I think I’m going to look back at this essay and kick myself
for using Adi so much in my explanation of things, but events with him are
present, and they explain what I want to say pretty well. Hopefully by the time
I reread this, I’ll be over him. Actually I know I will be, because I am
learning how to look see reality versus the lust and dream world that I have
created since my childhood.
In my eyes, Adi was near perfect. He was passionate about
life in a way that I rarely see in anyone these days, yet not a work-a-holic or
social climber. He knew how to relax. Even in the relatively short time that we
knew each other, I felt really comfortable around him, and he would allow me
the space to grow and be myself without being too judgmental. We had a load of
stuff in common and could just converse on nearly any topic. Our values were
similar, and oh my gosh was he cute! But then in the middle of all of
this wonderfulness and hope, he meets someone new, and within a week is engaged
to her.
I cried so hard. Felt so hurt, angry, frustrated, sad,
lost…all sorts of intense feelings that were bouncing around my head and
driving me insane. We were so great together! He has everything I’ve ever
dreamed of, and is such a nice person as well. But wait…. Stop a moment Alyssa
and look, listen. Do you really think that even if he decided to come back to
you that you could trust him after he changed his mind about who he wanted to
be with so quickly? Would you want to be in a relationship with someone you
could not trust? I shake my head, no. This is the reality of the situation, and I
have chosen to stop and listen and hear it. I am very glad I did.
This ability to do a reality check has also been helping me
in one of my most self destructive and life destroying habits; When something
difficult happens, I tend to turn all my anger in on myself in the form of
physical pain and mental self deprecation. Recently though, I’ve been catching
myself when my mind starts to say all those horrible assumptions about me. Are
those thoughts really true? Or is it just my delusions of habit playing tricks
on me? Once that is done, I know I can stop those extremely destructive
thoughts. I’m getting better at it.
We make and choose our own happiness.
This is a great quote. It also comes in forms like ‘The
power of positive thinking…’ and ‘Smile and the world will smile back!’ I have
spent years upon years trying to make this work for me. Literally trying to
squeeze a positive thought out of a misfortune to the point of probably looking
constipated, or get involved with something new when I’m feeling down, except
that when I’m feeling down everything seems absolutely hopeless beyond repair
so what’s the point?!
.JPG) |
On the roof - I really enjoy
doing physical work |
What was I missing? Why couldn’t I do this like everyone
else seems to? As it turns out, I just
needed time and the right circumstances to figure it out. There are a lot of
wonderful quotes out there, but to really understand them, I believe I need to
have lived them myself. You can’t just choose to be happy one day. It must be
cultivated. It must be cultivated through valuing yourself enough to treat
yourself kindly and know how to meet your basic needs of respect and peace in
your life, even if that means you must make compromises. It must be cultivated
through doing things that truly make your heart soar, and by building a
foundation of love (love for things that you do, and love for yourself among
other things), so that when things do get tough, you have these habits solidly
within yourself to call on.
This brings me to another quote that I love dearly and that
I have misinterpreted until very recently. ‘Let
the beauty of what you love be what you do’. My dear friends, this has next to NOTHING to
do with the work you do to put food on your table and a roof over your head
(although if you are in a situation where it does, that is absolutely wonderful
too!).
My name is pain
I attach myself to your life temporarily, and nearly everybody in the world is
afraid of me, but in reality there would be no self discovery and why would you
need to have mercy without me, for all that you curse me you should never forget
…
I’ve been away
for a long time see… waiting for someone to rescue me… one woman came with a
gift for me… go find yourself then come for me… but I’ve been away for too long
you see… I’ve been away from the hurt in me…
I have been learning that pain is a part of life. It cannot
be avoided, and should definitely not be ignored. If you ignore it, it will
just find its way back through a different route. It’s what makes us recognize
the beautiful things as beautiful. Working through it and with it, and then
knowing that I have the choice to let it go once I’ve visited with it is
something very important. I think it will save me from much more pain in the
long run. I don’t know or recall how I realized this, it just happened.
Afterall, it was through my pain in telling Adi goodbye that
I got the inspiration to write this piece. And this is something I’ve wanted to
bang out for a long time. It’s pretty meaningful to me. I don’t think I could
have done it without the tears that gave me focus.
I also know that is isn’t Adi, who gave this to me. This is
me who recognized and gave this opportunity to me. I am the one doing the work
here. He was only a catalyst for the circumstances that brought me to this
work.
Adi isn’t the only person I’ve lost recently. In the
beginning of 2011, my heart and love of over four years decided to ‘take some time
to himself’ and break off our plans to be married, to have a family, a home,
support each other in our lives and ambitions. Truthfully I’m still reeling
from it, though we are still in touch somewhat. I
haven’t the strength yet to write the proverbial ‘letter’ and take care of my
own needs above my desire to be with him and my love for him, like I know I
will need to do eventually. But I think I’m on the way now.
No one else can hold onto my pain for me. No amount of
crying to anyone else or anything someone else can do for me will heal me
completely. I have to do most of this hard work on my own. And with this
realization of having to do emotional work on my own, I have also taken to
heart how important it is that I work for anything that I want, and take the
consequences for my actions. I’m choosing not to go into detail on this topic,
but as of late, I have an ever deepening sense that I can do this on my
own. It doesn’t mean I will never accept or ask for help. The human race
wouldn’t exist if we didn’t help and care for and support each other at times.
But I know I can stand stronger now.
I suppose what I’m saying is, I wouldn’t ever dare discount the
type of work that I’ve been doing these days from actual work. No amount of
career ladder climbing, investing for retirement (which goes hand in hand with
that nice career salary), or whatever else it was that I am “supposed to be
doing at this age” could have taught me what I’m coming away with now. I
believe had I paid attention to all those “should haves” I would not have been
able to take the time to listen to my own self; the only teacher that is
capable of understanding all these lessons for me.
I’m the same girl, I
look the same, I’m (pretty much) the same shape and the same color, but it’s my
heart and my mind that I feel are starting to become a new fabric. If I keep
going in the direction that I am headed now, no ‘career’ that I want to pursue will
be too difficult to tackle (There will be times of extreme difficulty
though I am sure of it). Over the past year and a half, I have given up and/or
lost many things which were dear to me, I have lived on next to nothing and
survived. I’ve failed miserably at relationships and jobs. I’ve had the time to
stop and listen and learn more than I can even count about what is important to
me and what I stand for. I’ve learned to
see what is real around me and act on it, and not my own delusions and
fantasies. The majority of it has been incredibly painful.
But as these things I’m learning solidify, so much more of the world is in my reach.
Right now I have a sound mind, a healthy body, and a way to earn the roof over
my head and the food that I eat. It’s not what I used to earn, and certainly
doesn’t come with a retirement fund, but I will not be a burden. I have my music and at least half the days of
the year will not be gray and cloudy.
Inspiration does exist; it just needs to find you working.
This is not the first time I've mentioned this quote … but this time, I ask you: What does ‘work’ mean to you? And who
the hell are you, if nothing you think you ‘own’ is truly yours?
.JPG)
