tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16867991212351189612024-03-13T10:50:26.166-05:00That Which Really Is - Personal Growth Through Acceptance of ChallengeOn June 3rd, 2010, I quit my full time job, and took the road to learn how to train horses. Since that moment, I make it a conscious aim to challenge myself and stretch my own boundaries as much as possible in life.
Sometimes I write about it. Here.Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1686799121235118961.post-3544028984242444682014-05-14T20:43:00.001-05:002014-05-14T20:45:37.501-05:00When holding onto the past serves a purpose, even if it's not what I want <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Recently, I returned to the city where I grew up for a
wedding. My wonderful new partner and I stayed with my parents, and we had the
chance to see friends that we hadn’t seen in quite some time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Leading up to the departure, I felt wildly excited. We would
get to explore the city together and meet each other’s besties since childhood
for the first time. We would get to go to the lake, relax and have some time
away from work without stress. We were going home. We were going where it all
would be ok, safe and welcoming.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Except, it wasn’t. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I’ve been in New Orleans for a year and a half now, and for
the first time since moving here, my return to my hometown felt awkward and vulnerable.
My friends were still there, with open arms, but the connections were
different. Places that had once been a haven for me were no longer. It was <u>not</u>
home, and despite the wonderful time spent and merriment and love, I was so
glad to return to Louisiana, to return… home?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But New Orleans, with its freshly familiar road ways, dear
friends and the apartment I have been working on so hard to make cozy, warm and
welcoming, isn’t quite home yet either. It is becoming one, but in the mean
time, I am emotionally, quite homeless., neither here nor there. And, let me
tell you dear friends, it can be quite nerve wracking for a little zodiac cancer
like me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The fact that my former
fiancé has been invading my mind, my dreams and, especially while visiting my hometown
where we had lived, my memories, hasn’t been a sweet icing on the cake either.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">…Except for when,
amidst the inequality and misery of our relationship, at the best moments, remembering
how he was able to give me a feeling of complete and utter safety and
acceptance. A home, so to speak. Something I have not been able to find in a
person since, and a feeling that to this day, I can conjure up at a moments
notice to feel that sense of security that I so badly want. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">And ooooooh does
this feel good to homeless little cancer me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But oh, do I
wish it didn’t have anything to do with him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So, why, why,
why, why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Because, habit,
habit, habit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">For so many
years, my ex was emotional go-to in my imagination, whenever I felt down, or
scared, or alone. And now, in a time when I feel particularly vulnerable and
emotionally homeless, it’s not surprising where my mind goes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Although I don’t
want him in my head, he serves a purpose that is very logical and real for my
current needs. I do believe though, that with time, he will no longer be the
vessel for my sense of safety, home and comfort. With time, I hope to find it
elsewhere, in New Orleans, in my friends here, and my surroundings, in my
partner, and in myself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">In the mean time, I don’t think that my inability to find
100% comfort in a person is a bad thing. The relationship I am in now is
delightful, refreshing and full of great conversation, debate and equal footing
where no one is better or more authoritative than the other. I do find so much comfort in him, just
not 100%. And the fact that I don’t find 100% comfort my partner is in fact, a
good thing. It allows me to learn to find my own comfort in who I am and where
I am, and that is of utmost importance. </span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1686799121235118961.post-73057477588301494862013-12-12T22:06:00.001-06:002013-12-29T04:18:37.085-06:00Why We Absolutely Must Call Depression By Its Name<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Recently someone who I care about a lot was hospitalized for
a suicide attempt after years of battling with depression. He chose to make his
intent known on facebook, through which there was a massive intervention by
friends, and he was taken into safety before he could do any serious harm. He
was well enough to post from the hospital about where he was, which was
followed by a beautiful outpouring of love and support on his facebook wall.
Many people had lovely things to say to him, about him, for him. Some were
confused as to why he was in the hospital to begin with, since he hadn’t given
much detail in his original status. There were many explanations of course, but
not one of them, or any of the kind notes people left him made reference to
what was truly happening:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My friend was horribly depressed and tried to kill himself. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Depression. DEPRESSION!!! De.pr.es.si.on. Depressed.
Deeeeeeepressed. I’m depressed. He’s depressed. De-pr-es-se-d. Say it.
Depression. I dare you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But hardly anyone ever does.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Instead, we tell each other ‘she’s having a hard time these days’, or
maybe ‘he’s going through a lot of shit’. I’m ‘in pain’ or ‘life has been
difficult lately and ‘I’m in a difficult place right now’.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But if you say outright that you’re depressed, the first
image that tends to come to mind is seeing a shrink, taking medication and
questions with statements like ‘why are you so negative all the time, just look
on the bright side for once.’ People get teased and shamed for seeking help,
afraid of being seen as weak. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Regarding my friend, who is currently on the other side of
the country, more than anything, I sit in anticipation wondering if this will
be a turning point for him as I so desperately hope it will be.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">A suicide attempt is a notable event that often incites a
lot of support and acts of affection towards those who suffer. However, once
the ‘excitement’ surrounding the suicide attempt dies down, the underlying
cause of such attempts, such as depression, abuse or other illnesses of the
brain, don’t usually end when the person is released from the hospital, or two
weeks afterwards, or six months. They continue, and the more visible forms of
support (i.e kind and loving facebook notes and bringing over dinner…etc) wane.
It then often becomes up to the sufferer to drag themselves out of their
personal hell and seek help on their own, or with much less love and help than
they actually need.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I’m not going to describe what depression feels like or is.
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc" target="_blank">This video</a> from the WHO does a really good job of it, so I’ll let (or should I insist?) you watch
that. Instead I’m going to advocate for calling depression what it is, a
disease of the brain. I’m going to advocate for seeing people with depression
as no different than someone with a severely broken leg or severed limb;
something that can be worked and healed without shame or fear of being weak. This
is a call to acknowledge what depression and other feelings are, and
continuously speak out about them, discuss them, because this fosters a
community of continual support that won’t die away when the dramatic event of
an attempted suicide has passed. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Lastly, if you suffer from depression or any other mental
illness, go ahead and say it. Tell the world eloquently and beautifully,
showing the amazing person that you truly are. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">For I am me, teacher, car-fixer, avid reader, lover of
all things alive. I am financially independent, living on my own with my
partner, juggling a full time job, hobbies, relationships and friendships and
all the responsibilities that go with all of that. Behind closed doors (and sometimes
not) I also have suffered from severe depression, self destructive behavior and
anxiety (recently given the neat little label of ‘borderline personality
disorder’), and I’m not afraid to say it. Some days (or weeks, or months) are
worse than others, some are outright hell on earth, but some are also wonderful. I don't believe I will ever be cured of this clinical condition, but through much therapy, thinking and life experience, I have learned to embrace and accept what I am as OK and even successful. There will always be ups and downs in my life, but I know that for each down, there will also be an up. I can get through this. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This is me, and this is real.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Thank you.</span></div>
Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1686799121235118961.post-68459746460420691982012-07-09T23:26:00.001-05:002012-07-10T01:18:55.864-05:00Give Yourself To Love (SOM)<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/ftkEx0HAnAA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br /></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Artist</b>: Kate Wolf</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Song</b>: Give Yourself to Love</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>More Info</b>: <a href="http://www.katewolf.com/" target="_blank">katewolf.com</a></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My friend Zhenya talked about the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_Gathering" target="_blank">Rainbow Gathering</a> for years.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"Just go," he said. "You will be glad you did."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So this year I went, and found within the mountains and forests of Tennessee, a temporary intentional community of the strongest positive and love filled energy I have ever experienced in my life.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And in that week of bliss, by means of storytelling, song, dance, wandering and the people that I met, I learned to love again.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Perhaps because I was so surrounded by it for the entire week, I learned to love in the way that opens up the whole heart, in the way that my whole body wants to celebrate every beautiful thing that I experience every day. The kind of love that is full of gratitude for every little gift. The kind of love that wants to share with others more than anything.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And I feel so blessed to have begun this sharing with those who I met at the gathering itself.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I am not much of a poet or song writer, although I wish more and more that I am, as poetry may be a more fitting medium to tell the story which inspired me to share this song. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I ought to thank the mountain path that I walked so many times, because that is where we met.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"Is this the main road brother?" he asked.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"Sister," I answered. "And yes, it is."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I asked where he was headed and his destination and mind were the same. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"Will you walk with me?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And so we went together. Somewhere along the way he took my hand, and when it became time to part ways, we simply didn't... couldn't... wouldn't. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And so began a whirlwind of deep connection and love. I marveled at his gratitude, love, darkness and spirituality, and I have already learned so much from it. My deepest intention is to live this love and pass it onwards. For I think love is THE most important thing one can ever know.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This song is for Juan Moncayo. A small token in return for the beauty that you sang me. I am so full of gratitude for the time we shared.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Thank you beyond thank you dear one...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Kind friends all gathered 'round, there's something I would say:</i></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">That what brings us together here has blessed us all today.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">Love has made a circle that holds us all inside;</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">Where strangers are as family, loneliness can't hide.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">You must give yourself to love if love is what you're after;</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter,</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">And give yourself to love, give yourself to love.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">I've walked these mountains in the rain </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">and learned to love the wind;</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">I've been up before the sunrise to watch the day begin.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">I always knew I'd find you, though I never did know how;</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">Like sunshine on a cloudy day, you stand before me now.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">Love is born in fire; it's planted like a seed.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">Love can't give you everything, but it gives you what you need.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">And love comes when you're ready, love comes when you're afraid;</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">It'll be your greatest teacher, the best friend you have made.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">So give yourself to if love is what you're after;</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter,</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;">And give yourself to love, give yourself to love.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-style: normal; text-align: -webkit-auto;">This post part of a series called 'Spotlight on Music'. </span><a href="http://thatwhichreallyis.blogspot.com/p/spotlight-on-music.html" style="font-style: normal; text-align: -webkit-auto;" target="_blank">Click here</a><span style="font-family: Times; font-style: normal; text-align: -webkit-auto;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-style: normal; text-align: -webkit-auto;">to find out more on what it's all about!</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1686799121235118961.post-40594604419694382522012-06-13T19:45:00.000-05:002012-07-11T09:34:52.999-05:00A Song For My Love...<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I took you off my pedestal today.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And watched as you became yet another stranger passing by who does not know me.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>And I shed you from me.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>And I shed me from myself.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>And I know there <u>is</u> and will be someone real to share these things with.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Heart Love Life</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>So here I am</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>to be reclaimed</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>by my own image.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qfK6o7okn3Y/T5cmH9v-W0I/AAAAAAAAAIA/iTWB1YI25Ik/s1600/hamd+of+miriam+charm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qfK6o7okn3Y/T5cmH9v-W0I/AAAAAAAAAIA/iTWB1YI25Ik/s1600/hamd+of+miriam+charm.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(c) charmed design</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></div>Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1686799121235118961.post-46947148298631066322012-04-25T18:49:00.002-05:002012-04-25T18:50:57.291-05:00On Being Brave - Part 1<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My family gathered over the Easter/Passover weekend. It wasn't my blood family (besides my parents), but rather family by choice; dear friends, my godparents all joined us for a sedar, the ceremony and meal based around the story of the Exodus. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">For us, it's a night full of poetry, thought, song and good food. </span><br />
<div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And there was a point, where my dad looked at me and asked me to read a poem he had chosen. It went like this:</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>I, Miriam, stand at the sea</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>And turn</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>To face the desert</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Stretching endless and</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Still.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>My eyes are dazzled</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>The sky brilliant blue</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Sunburnt sands unyielding white.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>My hands turn to dove wings.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>My arms</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Reach</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>For the sky</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>And I want to sing </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>the song rising inside me.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>My mouth open</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>I stop.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Where are the words? </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Where is the melody?</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>In a moment of panic</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>My eyes go blind.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Can I take a step </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Without knowing a</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Destination?</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Will I falter</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Will I fall</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Will the ground sink away from under me?</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>The song still unformed -</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>How can I sing? </i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I started to cry. I wanted to run away, hide my face, but I didn't. I don't know if my dad had chosen it for me to read on purpose, or if it was just my turn cause I hadn't read in a while. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But be chose aptly, because this poem is about me. It's about how every morning, I face the day, feeling so unsure of whether I will get through anything and come out safely. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><a href="http://thatwhichreallyis.blogspot.com/2012/01/why-i-quit-my-job-to-bumble-around.html" target="_blank">Leaving your job, your home and everything that is familiar</a> to travel has not always been rainbows and flowers that I and probably many others imagine(d) it might be. It is hard work to forge a new path, and there will be many stumbles and falls that last a very long time. I am someone who craves stability and challenge at the same time. These two do not always go together, and the result has been as much uncertainty and fear as wonder, sometimes more.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Before this point in my life, everything tended to fall into place. Now not so much. This is my first time having to really scramble hard for a job. And it's the first time where I'm really having to step into the unknown. It's terrifying...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And so, what to do next?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The poem did not end there. The first part tells one part of my story, and the second part tells another. Here it is clear what must be done:</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>To take the first step--</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>To sing a new song--</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Is to close one's eyes and dive</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>into unknown waters.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>For a moment knowing nothing risking all--</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>but then to discover </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>The waters are friendly</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>The ground is firm.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>And the song--</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>the song rises again.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Out of my mouth </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>come words lifting the wind.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>And I hear</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>for the first time</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>the song</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>that has been in my heart</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>silent</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>unknown</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>even to me.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And it's true. Whether I able to recognize it at the depths of my fear or not, the result of doing something which scares me is often not even close to as bad as I imagine it would be. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">What is most important is to begin!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I'm sure I'm not the only person to whom this poem applies, or else it's author, Ruth Sohn, would probably not have written it.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">For me it serves as a reminder to keep going, and that in order to happen upon the beauty in this world, one is often required to face some deep and difficult fears. How would I ever know that the unknown waters are friendly, even stunning, if I never tried?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">___________________________</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Stay tuned for 'part 2' where I describe some of the ways I challenge myself by diving into unknown waters.</span></div>
</div>
</div>Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1686799121235118961.post-20961571279002858082012-03-18T22:35:00.000-05:002012-07-09T22:56:12.339-05:00Why Letting Go Of My Love Turned Out To Be OK (SOM)<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br /></b></span><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/lw1yjnvVvAg?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Artist</b>: My Brightest Diamond /</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Shara Worden</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Song</b>: Riding Horses</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>More Info</b>: <a href="http://www.mybrightestdiamond.com/" target="_blank">mybrightestdiamond.com</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Letting go and losing someone or something is a painful process for me. I have noticed though, that the things that are most often lost to me, are the things that most need to be shed; a relationship that isn't working, a job that is not fulfilling. As a result, each loss turns out to be an open door full of new opportunities and lessons.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My last serious relationship has had choppy ending. It is one of those where I still have intense feelings for him, but it is abundantly clear that spending my life with him is not what's best for me for many many reasons. Although we've been apart for over a year now (by his choice), we have still been in contact (mostly initiated by him too), which has been difficult for me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">At this point, there are two choices; stay in contact, savor the few amazingly wonderful times and suffer through the rest of it, or take my leave while there is still some sweetness to it and make a clean cut so I can start fresh. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So last week, I said goodbye to him, said I do not wish for him to contact me further. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...and I feel like I've come out of hiding. Here I am, open again to meeting new people, new possibilities, the potential for an even more fulfilling relationship. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This song I've chosen by Shara Worden is a poem to all those wonderful people who I have met, will meet, and form a relationship with, unhindered by the loyalty I used to feel to my former love. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Hey here I am</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Out of Hiding </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Would you like to be my friend?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I think I like you</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I think I like you</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Yes</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Maybe we could talk about music</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And Georgie's crumbs</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I think I like you</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I think I like you</span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="line-height: 18px; text-align: -webkit-left;">
</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i><br /></i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i>And not just for what you do</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i>Or for what you say</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i>Or for what you were to somebody</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i>Not for what you did</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i>Or what you may</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i>Do for me.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i><br /></i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i>And I know we've had some hard times</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i>With hard people</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i>Hey, let's try to make new friends.</i></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="line-height: 18px; text-align: -webkit-left;">
</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Maybe we could pretend that </i></span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>We were riding in the woods</i></span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Riding horses.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>And mind would be black</i></span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>and yours would be white</i></span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Let's ride!</i></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="line-height: 18px; text-align: -webkit-left;"></span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
</div>
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</span></i></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="line-height: 18px; text-align: -webkit-left;">
</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This post is the first in a series called 'Spotlight on Music'. </span><a href="http://thatwhichreallyis.blogspot.com/p/spotlight-on-music.html" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;" target="_blank">Click here</a> <span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">to find out more on what it's all about!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br /></b></span>Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1686799121235118961.post-38542089412533048732012-03-01T13:38:00.000-06:002012-03-01T20:46:35.813-06:00What Has Your Imagination Done For You Today?<br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I recently realized that I have a brilliant new talent; I
can imagine my way out of a frustrating situation!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I haven’t always been able to do this. In fact, sometimes,
my imagination gets me into more trouble than good. The dang thing is still
very good at jumping to negative conclusions without bothering to look for
adequate information to do a reality check. It also tends to get over excited regarding
romantic relationships, and create a happily-ever-after future in my mind that
does not at all coincide with what is really going on. But no matter.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">To me this idea has always oscillated between something that
should be a no-brainer and something that is incredibly difficult to do. In
other words, the more difficult or frustration the situation, the more
difficult it is to activate my imagination. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But I am getting better at it, and I would like to share a story in which I have successfully been able to alter my state of mind using
only my imagination.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The little car that
could if it wanted to:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My biggest pride and joy in life (well the material part of
it) right now is <a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RaYvomBPr5U/TyOfvvAwlnI/AAAAAAAAAr0/oyA_pDwphN8/s1600/IMG_4062.JPG" target="_blank">my car</a>.
I own a 2002 Subaru Impreza WRX Wagon and am incredibly proud to say that <a href="http://thatwhichreallyis.blogspot.com/2012/01/how-i-went-from-teaching-high-school-to.html" target="_blank">as of last summer</a> I do all the necessary maintenance and repairs on her myself. She’s the perfect
car for me in all weather conditions. She’s fast <i>and</i> sturdy with a turbo charged engine and AWD. So you can imagine that I have a lot of fun
with her whether I’m driving down unpaved desert roads or hightailing it around
in the city.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I’m sure you can also imagine my disappointment when I found
out the place where currently I live is going to be installing speed cameras
around every school and park in the entire city. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I’m by no means serial speeder or lawbreaker in any way. But going a few miles over the speed limit isn’t going to hurt anyone more than going the
limit should there be an accident. However, in all probability, these speed
cameras are not going to be so generous.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The Process<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Since I have little control over whether the speed cameras will be installed or not, at this point, I had a choice; I could complain
and feel cheated, or I could alter my mindset and find another way to view the
situation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I chose the latter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I used my imagination to go through different, yet realistic ways I could view the scenario, and then settled on the one that felt best. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This took some time and involved a lot of
sitting with my frustration. This first step is very important because it
allows you to process and move beyond
the upset feeling and into a more calm mindset.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">After that, I simply focused my thoughts and
attention on the issue at hand, and challenged myself to come up with as many
different ways to view the situation as possible while also staying based in reality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I knew which one was right simply because it felt right in my body. I felt calmer, more relaxed, and much better about the situation which was at first so frustrating.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>...so here's what I decided.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Since my car is so versatile to begin with, I chose to keep seeing her that way. Yes, I will have to go slower than I'd like to in many situations, but the cool thing is, when I <u>do</u> have the chance to go fast, the potential is right there without changing a thing. All I have to do is press the throttle.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Oh wow, I love my car....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Thinking back, there are many other times in
which I have used this technique without even knowing it. But now that I have
figured out exactly what I am doing to overcome these obstacles, I think it's
going to be a huge boon in my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So, next time you come across a frustrating
situation that is almost completely out of your control, give your imagination
a chance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">... and just for the fun of it, here's how I did
it, in a neatly organized list.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">1) <i>Allow yourself to sit with the frustration
and process and recognize it by thinking about it for a little while. (“I’m
really pissed off about this!”) Your feelings are real and acceptable, whatever
they are. This may take a bit of time.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">2) <i>Once you have separated yourself
emotionally from the issue at hand, let your imagination run freely while
focusing on the problem outside of your control, thinking of as all sorts of
different ways you could chose to view the situation. This may also take a bit
of time. Days even. (Remember you don't always have to focus on it
continuously).</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">3) Let your intuition
guide you in choosing which one feels the best. Remember though, it’s important
to keep your choices based in reality as much as possible.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">4) Practice often. I
recommend starting with something small that is irritating, but not potentially
life changing, such as waiting in a really long slow moving line at the grocery
store or what have you.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Enjoy!</span></div>
</div>
</div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<br /></div>Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1686799121235118961.post-56073069254087556712012-02-14T13:30:00.000-06:002012-02-16T12:59:33.852-06:00For The Love of Horses<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qs5zXnVaZhg/Tzt_RSj9VrI/AAAAAAAAAxM/T2DGQK3SWo8/s1600/508284537087.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qs5zXnVaZhg/Tzt_RSj9VrI/AAAAAAAAAxM/T2DGQK3SWo8/s320/508284537087.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">On this day of love, I like to remind myself that it is not just love for other people that I am celebrating. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I want to pass on a big THANK YOU over to Tess at <a href="http://www.theboldlife.com/" target="_blank">The Bold Life</a> for using my words in your <a href="http://theboldlife.com/2012/02/17-beautiful-writers-celebrate-love/" target="_blank">post about love</a>, and reminding me so well, why I am where I am in my life. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It's for the love of horses.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It was the horses that drew me <a href="http://thatwhichreallyis.blogspot.com/2012/01/why-i-quit-my-job-to-bumble-around.html" target="_blank">away from what was comfortable</a>, to take risks, and to open myself to a <a href="http://thatwhichreallyis.blogspot.com/2012/01/how-i-went-from-teaching-high-school-to.html" target="_blank">whole new world of self growth and learning</a>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It was the horses who were always there in all their beauty, while I trudged through a lot of difficult times traveling and working mentally and physically past exhaustion for the past year and a half. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It is the horses that I first learned to love unconditionally.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Thank you horses! I owe you one...</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eJ3btOFM6PM/TzuCDOb00II/AAAAAAAAAx0/JvuUO2bFtyI/s1600/111224_005.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eJ3btOFM6PM/TzuCDOb00II/AAAAAAAAAx0/JvuUO2bFtyI/s320/111224_005.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ginny (Illinois)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I4XYK3eTrgY/Tzt9vTcko5I/AAAAAAAAAwk/JeILOVmejgU/s1600/P1010177.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I4XYK3eTrgY/Tzt9vTcko5I/AAAAAAAAAwk/JeILOVmejgU/s320/P1010177.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Borca (New Mexico)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-U_mPXhXdhqc/Tzt-qV09s0I/AAAAAAAAAxE/UoKvAyV7LCs/s1600/IMG_0156.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-U_mPXhXdhqc/Tzt-qV09s0I/AAAAAAAAAxE/UoKvAyV7LCs/s320/IMG_0156.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ben (Saskatchewan)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_Ec__2oFKyQ/Tzt_ld9_kRI/AAAAAAAAAxU/pVPvjFjS2Ys/s1600/522080574717.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_Ec__2oFKyQ/Tzt_ld9_kRI/AAAAAAAAAxU/pVPvjFjS2Ys/s320/522080574717.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Griz (Australia)</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Banjo (New Mexico)</td></tr>
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</div>Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1686799121235118961.post-68664418077503637952012-02-03T22:13:00.000-06:002012-02-13T01:01:47.719-06:00How My Own Value Shows Itself In Many Forms and The Importance Of Seeing Many Points of View<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">One of my many jobs includes substitute teaching at a high school (the very place where I used to teach full time actually). I’ve covered classes on everything from physics to dance, and I really enjoy being able to work with the kids without the stress of being there 12 – 15 hours a day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Today, I had the immense pleasure of covering choir. I chose the word immense on purpose. The kids insisted that they sounded abysmal, but I <i>really </i>enjoyed listening to them sing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Their voices were young, and alive and they really sang their hearts out. Their singing brought a huge smile to my face, and I felt remarkably lighter than I had when I first entered the room. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">They said they were <b>dreadful</b>, and I thought they were <b>brilliant</b>! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I wondered then, how did these students come to the conclusion that they sucked? I imagine they have listened to other singers, and compared their own voices to what they heard. Maybe their choir director has high standards for them, and their adolescent minds perceived that as ,“My god you kids are horrible” (as opposed to a more seasoned mind, which might just interpret that as “gonna keep working to be the best I can be”). I’m sure teasing among classmates about being off key, voice cracks or missed notes isn’t absent either. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I find heart everywhere!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And what about my opinion? Certainly my enjoyment was not negated by the students’ opinions of themselves. Just as much as the students believed they were horrible singers, I believed they sang wonderfully. Both beliefs were valid and both held truth in them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">As Andrew over at Byteful Travel <a href="http://byteful.com/blog/2011/01/how-to-spot-inaccurate-beliefs-while-travelling-perceptions-arent-truth/" target="_blank">so elegantly stated</a>, truths are in the eye of the beholder, or in other words, our beliefs shape our reality. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">New to this equation, and <b>new to me</b> is the <b>importance </b>of seeing beyond a single set of beliefs on a given topic, and accepting many different beliefs at the same time. In essence, <b>believing many truths at once</b>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">For the above-mentioned students, this could mean continuing to believe that they have a lot of work to do to become excellent singers, and <b>at the same time</b> accepting the fact that there is beauty to what they have already created. I believe this viewpoint <b>enriches a person tremendously</b>. With a newly accepted point of view about their singing, not only would the students realize that their work has some value to someone, but their perception that they suck will probably have morphed into the aforementioned more wizened opinion that there is always work to be done to be the best you can be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This concept also applies to relationships. This is an especially difficult concept for me, as for various personal reasons I often have this nagging feeling that I’m just not really worth anyone’s time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">However, I am now beginning to understand that even though sometimes I feel detestable, it is entirely possible that others can see me in a completely different light, enjoy my company and think I am wonderful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I think character Sam #2 in the film <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1481572/" target="_blank">Happythankyoumoreplease</a> says this quite well:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It’s not easy to be adored… but I want you to give it at try. Think of it as an experiment. I promise I will be very wonderful at adoring you. You're worth the adoration. You're worth it. </span><b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And the fact that you don't believe it has nothing to with whether it's true or not. It is true for me. And that is all that matters.</span><o:p></o:p></b></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">How does this affect me on a daily basis? To put it simply, in the past, at times when I let myself believe I was unwanted, I would hide myself. What better way is there to guarantee you will not be valued than to not exist at all? By accepting that other view points exist, I am actually giving myself more opportunities to realize that I am valuable by spending time with people who show that they value me. In turn, I am changing my belief system from self hate into self acceptance, by proving to myself through experience, a new world view. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And so I challenge myself to open my mind beyond my own perceptions and to accept the opinions of others as valid, because they are! This is of utmost importance.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br /></div>Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1686799121235118961.post-45993323602675962832012-01-28T13:56:00.000-06:002013-12-29T04:47:19.117-06:00How I Went From Teaching High School To Traveling Around North America To Returning Home To Work In An Autoshop<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>... or Why Leaving Everything to Travel Around the United States On My Own Has Been Worth It Beyond My Wildest Dreams</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It's been a year and seven months since I <a href="http://thatwhichreallyis.blogspot.com/2012/01/why-i-quit-my-job-to-bumble-around.html">took to the road</a>. </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Nw7W3VAGwo0/TyROPXdb_hI/AAAAAAAAAsk/3ArQsULN2nw/s1600/120128_002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Nw7W3VAGwo0/TyROPXdb_hI/AAAAAAAAAsk/3ArQsULN2nw/s200/120128_002.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ye old childhood chair</td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I’m sitting at home, in the same chair that has been in my
bedroom since I was born. It’s been reupholstered a few times, but really it’s
still the same chair. The same shape, the same type of fabric, although it
isn’t the same color; the material is brand new. I’ve been crying. One of those
cries where you just let it rip and sob your heart out. I had put on my
headphones and started listening to one of my favorite pieces by 1 Giant Leap,
and just let myself collapse. And with the music holding me, I was just there
with myself. I didn’t need to call my friend Amy to bawl on her shoulder,
although I knew she would have let me, anytime, anywhere. I didn’t start
texting Karin with messages about how I’ll never be good enough, because yes,
I’ve just been ditched again by a guy that I really really really like(d). I
don’t even go grab the parrot. I’m OK being alone with myself, and the music,
and my feelings. I’m OK waking up every morning with my chest tight, barely
able to breathe from loneliness and anxiety, and doing whatever I need to do
anyways. I couldn’t do this a year ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">A year ago I also couldn’t have written the letter to Adi
(the guy I really really really like(d)) saying that the he was not responsible
for my hurt, nor could I help him with his, given the choice he had made to
break up with me, and the best thing that he could possibly do is leave me be
to heal on my own. (We had been going together for a number of months, when he
called me from his parents’ house over x-mas break to say that he had recently
met another girl and was already engaged to her. We met a few days later at his bequest. The
guilt about it was literally coming out of his pours, and he wanted to remain
friends, checking in on me, to see how I was ‘recovering’ every few days. But
to let him do that would not have been good for me, so I said so.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ofQj5FZunzs/TyRPiEZbgCI/AAAAAAAAAss/6-LcwYy-HbM/s1600/banjo+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ofQj5FZunzs/TyRPiEZbgCI/AAAAAAAAAss/6-LcwYy-HbM/s200/banjo+2.JPG" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Banjo the Mustang </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I overcame our fears together</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">In writing that letter, I have taken another <a href="http://thatwhichreallyis.blogspot.com/2012/01/why-i-quit-my-job-to-bumble-around.html" target="_blank">risk</a>, I have
stood up for <u>myself</u>, just like I did a year and a half ago when I sold
most of my things, gave up my home, my well-paid job teaching Russian to high
school students, and took the road to work with complete strangers on ranches
with horses, because it's what I wanted to do.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I was on the road for a little over 9 months actually. I spent time
in Saskatchewan on a horse breeding ranch, and then down in Colorado working as
a drywall installer, riding the neighbors horses in the cow pastures in my
spare time. I went to New Mexico to gentle and train wild caught Mustang horses
on a Bureau of Land Management contract. I was planning to go to Tennessee to
work another horse ranch, but my car broke down midway in Coleman, Texas, and I
ended up going from church to church looking for someone who would take me in.
The car would take over a month to repair. I got to know Coleman fairly well by
then, and some awfully kind people too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My car had been my life blood on the road, taking me from
place to place, through the most gorgeous of landscapes, and away from bat-shit-crazy-insane
ranch bosses at a moment’s notice. She (yes, my car is female) has also been
the source of some awesome music jamming and great conversations with myself
about myself and what I’m experiencing. And it was at this point (after $3000
of repairs!!) that I realized, I cannot keep doing this without knowing what is
going on under that hood. When I returned to Chicago, I took her to a local
mechanic for something minor, and was also advised that my front brake pads
were low. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Screw this, I
thought. I know someone who knows how to
work on cars. I’ll contact them and see if they can help me. My brake pads will
be the first part of my education. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RaYvomBPr5U/TyOfvvAwlnI/AAAAAAAAAr0/oyA_pDwphN8/s1600/IMG_4062.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RaYvomBPr5U/TyOfvvAwlnI/AAAAAAAAAr0/oyA_pDwphN8/s200/IMG_4062.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My awesome and trusty Subaru WRX</td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And so I found myself in the garage of the son of one of
my father’s graduate school friends. And that’s how it all started. I’ve spent
more of my summer and fall than I’d like to admit tinkering around with my car
and fixing all the things that so-called
‘professional’ mechanics messed up. And there was a lot! (I ended up
having to redo a shoddy clutch job that my local garage had done right before I
first set off. The repair that ended up being done in Texas also should never
have had to happen. It was the timing belt that broke and destroyed everything
in its wake. I had had the preventive maintenance done just 10 months earlier
in Chicago… badly as it turned out. I’m not going to list the rest of it, but
if you can believe it, there’s more!).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">That’s how I ended up working in an auto shop. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And I <u>really</u> love it.<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> _______________________________
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: italic; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-left: 0.75in; margin-right: 76.5pt; margin-top: 0in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My name is lust,
I’m not a thing, more like a quality, I attach myself behind your eyes
temporarily and blind you everything you think you might want to be, make you
promise me everything for fame, for idolatry, and when I leave you cannot ever
follow me, find yourself confined in solitary<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1686799121235118961#_ftn1" name="_ftnref1" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn1;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">[1]</span></b></span></span></a>.
<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I think I’m going to look back at this essay and kick myself
for using Adi so much in my explanation of things, but events with him are
present, and they explain what I want to say pretty well. Hopefully by the time
I reread this, I’ll be over him. Actually I know I will be, because I am
learning how to look see reality versus the lust and dream world that I have
created since my childhood. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">In my eyes, Adi was near perfect. He was passionate about
life in a way that I rarely see in anyone these days, yet not a work-a-holic or
social climber. He knew how to relax. Even in the relatively short time that we
knew each other, I felt really comfortable around him, and he would allow me
the space to grow and be myself without being too judgmental. We had a load of
stuff in common and could just converse on nearly any topic. Our values were
similar, and oh my gosh was he cute! But then in the middle of all of
this wonderfulness and hope, he meets someone new, and within a week is engaged
to her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I cried so hard. Felt so hurt, angry, frustrated, sad,
lost…all sorts of intense feelings that were bouncing around my head and
driving me insane. We were so great together! He has everything I’ve ever
dreamed of, and is such a nice person as well. But wait…. Stop a moment Alyssa
and look, listen. Do you really think that even if he decided to come back to
you that you could trust him after he changed his mind about who he wanted to
be with so quickly? Would you want to be in a relationship with someone you
could not trust? I shake my head, no. This is the reality of the situation, and I
have chosen to stop and listen and hear it. I am very glad I did. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This ability to do a reality check has also been helping me
in one of my most self destructive and life destroying habits; When something
difficult happens, I tend to turn all my anger in on myself in the form of
physical pain and mental self deprecation. Recently though, I’ve been catching
myself when my mind starts to say all those horrible assumptions about me. Are
those thoughts really true? Or is it just my delusions of habit playing tricks
on me? Once that is done, I know I can stop those extremely destructive
thoughts. I’m getting better at it. <i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We make and choose our own happiness.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This is a great quote. It also comes in forms like ‘The
power of positive thinking…’ and ‘Smile and the world will smile back!’ I have
spent years upon years trying to make this work for me. Literally trying to
squeeze a positive thought out of a misfortune to the point of probably looking
constipated, or get involved with something new when I’m feeling down, except
that when I’m feeling down everything seems absolutely hopeless beyond repair
so what’s the point?! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Txft8d62m9g/TyRSJPspMYI/AAAAAAAAAs0/zXibU9EcEJI/s1600/me+on+the+roof+(2).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Txft8d62m9g/TyRSJPspMYI/AAAAAAAAAs0/zXibU9EcEJI/s200/me+on+the+roof+(2).JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On the roof - I really enjoy<br />
doing physical work</td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">What was I missing? Why couldn’t I do this like everyone
else seems to? As it turns out, I just
needed time and the right circumstances to figure it out. There are a lot of
wonderful quotes out there, but to really understand them, I believe I need to
have lived them myself. You can’t just choose to be happy one day. It must be
cultivated. It must be cultivated through valuing yourself enough to treat
yourself kindly and know how to meet your basic needs of respect and peace in
your life, even if that means you must make compromises. It must be cultivated
through doing things that truly make your heart soar, and by building a
foundation of love (love for things that you do, and love for yourself among
other things), so that when things do get tough, you have these habits solidly
within yourself to call on. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This brings me to another quote that I love dearly and that
I have misinterpreted until very recently. ‘Let
the beauty of what you love be what you do’. My dear friends, this has next to NOTHING to
do with the work you do to put food on your table and a roof over your head
(although if you are in a situation where it does, that is absolutely wonderful
too!). <i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My name is pain
I attach myself to your life temporarily, and nearly everybody in the world is
afraid of me, but in reality there would be no self discovery and why would you
need to have mercy without me, for all that you curse me you should never forget
…<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I’ve been away
for a long time see… waiting for someone to rescue me… one woman came with a
gift for me… go find yourself then come for me… but I’ve been away for too long
you see… I’ve been away from the hurt in me…
<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I have been learning that pain is a part of life. It cannot
be avoided, and should definitely not be ignored. If you ignore it, it will
just find its way back through a different route. It’s what makes us recognize
the beautiful things as beautiful. Working through it and with it, and then
knowing that I have the choice to let it go once I’ve visited with it is
something very important. I think it will save me from much more pain in the
long run. I don’t know or recall how I realized this, it just happened. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Afterall, it was through my pain in telling Adi goodbye that
I got the inspiration to write this piece. And this is something I’ve wanted to
bang out for a long time. It’s pretty meaningful to me. I don’t think I could
have done it without the tears that gave me focus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I also know that is isn’t Adi, who gave this to me. This is
me who recognized and gave this opportunity to me. I am the one doing the work
here. He was only a catalyst for the circumstances that brought me to this
work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Adi isn’t the only person I’ve lost recently. In the
beginning of 2011, my heart and love of over four years decided to ‘take some time
to himself’ and break off our plans to be married, to have a family, a home,
support each other in our lives and ambitions. Truthfully I’m still reeling
from it, though we are still in touch somewhat. I
haven’t the strength yet to <a href="http://thatwhichreallyis.blogspot.com/2012/03/letting-go-of-my-love-and-what-its.html" target="_blank">write the proverbial ‘letter’</a> and take care of my
own needs above my desire to be with him and my love for him, like I know I
will need to do eventually. But I think I’m on the way now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">No one else can hold onto my pain for me. No amount of
crying to anyone else or anything someone else can do for me will heal me
completely. I have to do most of this hard work on my own. And with this
realization of having to do emotional work on my own, I have also taken to
heart how important it is that I work for anything that I want, and take the
consequences for my actions. I’m choosing not to go into detail on this topic,
but as of late, I have an ever deepening sense that I <u>can</u> do this on my
own. It doesn’t mean I will never accept or ask for help. The human race
wouldn’t exist if we didn’t help and care for and support each other at times.
But I know I can stand stronger now. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VaZBwN4bsAQ/TyOlgwpzX5I/AAAAAAAAAsM/rrmRtn84DJQ/s1600/IMG_0324.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VaZBwN4bsAQ/TyOlgwpzX5I/AAAAAAAAAsM/rrmRtn84DJQ/s200/IMG_0324.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I suppose what I’m saying is, I wouldn’t ever dare discount the
type of work that I’ve been doing these days from actual work. No amount of
career ladder climbing, investing for retirement (which goes hand in hand with
that nice career salary), or whatever else it was that I am “supposed to be
doing at this age” could have taught me what I’m coming away with now. I
believe had I paid attention to all those “should haves” I would not have been
able to take the time to listen to my own self; the only teacher that is
capable of understanding all these lessons for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> I’m the same girl, I
look the same, I’m (pretty much) the same shape and the same color, but it’s my
heart and my mind that I feel are starting to become a new fabric. If I keep
going in the direction that I am headed now, no ‘career’ that I want to pursue will
be <u>too</u> difficult to tackle (There will be times of extreme difficulty
though I am sure of it). Over the past year and a half, I have given up and/or
lost many things which were dear to me, I have lived on next to nothing and
survived. I’ve failed miserably at relationships and jobs. I’ve had the time to
stop and listen and learn more than I can even count about what is important to
me and what I stand for. I’ve learned to
see what is real around me and act on it, and not my own delusions and
fantasies. The majority of it has been incredibly painful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But as these things I’m learning solidify, so much more of the world is in my reach.
Right now I have a sound mind, a healthy body, and a way to earn the roof over
my head and the food that I eat. It’s not what I used to earn, and certainly
doesn’t come with a retirement fund, but I will not be a burden. I have my music and at least half the days of
the year will not be gray and cloudy. <i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Inspiration does exist; it just needs to find you working.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This is not the first time I've mentioned this quote … but this time, I ask you: What does ‘work’ mean to you? And who
the hell are you, if nothing you think you ‘own’ is truly yours? <i style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: xx-small;">Quotes are roughly transcribed from the Jaimie Catto music project called ‘1
Giant Leap’ and ‘What about Me?’</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1686799121235118961.post-75600066753296029802011-03-18T14:58:00.000-05:002012-02-08T00:09:27.919-06:00Looking back: My first week on the road<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>This piece was written over the course of my <a href="http://thatwhichreallyis.blogspot.com/2012/01/why-i-quit-my-job-to-bumble-around.html">first week on the road</a> - August 27th, 2010 </i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>:</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">I’m sitting on the bank of the Mississippi River in La
Cross, Wisconsin with a wonderful urge to move and dance around. That’s the
thing about being on the road, leaving things behind and being in
transition. <b>Time constraints</b> (with the exception of getting to
a certain place on a given night if your sleeping arrangements depend on that)
fade away. You can do what you like. Be who you like. Act as you like, and know
that you’re just passing through. I have a much stronger <b>urge to</b> <b>take
exceptional care of myself</b>, maybe because I am far more alone than I have
ever been in my life and I need myself to depend on. But I also have a very
strong sense that those close to my heart are not too far away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iuk2zz-YwLs/TyOnM5tAN3I/AAAAAAAAAsU/fYCguuVkdOk/s1600/110910_001_001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iuk2zz-YwLs/TyOnM5tAN3I/AAAAAAAAAsU/fYCguuVkdOk/s200/110910_001_001.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A silhouette of my lovely green parrot</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">Sometimes I feel an intense sense of <b>loneliness
and wish for everything familiar</b>; lake Michigan, the parrot, my friends just a
short bus ride away. All the places that I know, the comfort of my own home and
my own bed. And then I look at myself and realize where I am now, I really am
OK. I have a wonderful ability to create my own zone of peace wherever I go,
whether it be within my head through good memories or through little mementos
from home or by just enjoying what is around me right now at the moment and
finding a peaceful place to be. It’s not always easy, and often takes some
searching; searching for the right song to calm my mind, reorganizing my things
so I have the right mementos right with me, or seeking out a peaceful wherever
I am. Sometimes there awakens a little instinct inside me to awaken my old
defense mechanisms and run to someone who can help comfort me. But I don’t
because I don’t need it. All I need to do is get out and look around and listen
to my body, because my body knows what it needs to be calm and at peace.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">And so I’m sitting on the bank of the Mississippi River in
La Crosse, Wisconsin, and just saw my first<b> river barge</b>. It’s HUGE,
well, ridiculously LONG (500 ft?), and is being pushed by a tug. The
interesting thing is that just about 15 minutes earlier I saw a lone tug, which
I presume moves ahead of the long barge and scouts out the bends in the river
and then turns around to help the barge turn should it need to. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">This is cool! </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">I love seeing new things!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-brmTBBIpUVM/TyOpuE0HEwI/AAAAAAAAAsc/gJeWCnq-XEk/s1600/IMG_4182.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-brmTBBIpUVM/TyOpuE0HEwI/AAAAAAAAAsc/gJeWCnq-XEk/s200/IMG_4182.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">One thing I learned in <b>Minnesota</b>: don’t mess
with the country roads. Another thing I learned in South Dakota; let
them surprise you. I’ve been avoiding the interstate highways for the most
part, although sometimes I’ve become a little too zealous with trying to stop
at too many out of the way places in too short a time. I ended up circling
around the same 50 mile radius area for about two hours in MN before I was able
to get back on track. On the other hand, here I am in the <b>Black
Hills</b>, where I let a tiny dirt road plotted on my route surprise me by
depositing me at the old frontier For Meade National Cemetery. I am alone
herein the late morning haze. I often like to stop by cemeteriesa, especially
older ones for the forlorn sense of calm that tends to envelop them.
Ironically, it is raining. At this particular cemetery are buried soldiers from
the Indian wars in the 1870’s until 1940’s when the fort closed down. The
history is rich and I got a number of books to read on it as well as one of the
horseshoes from the original cavalry regiments that worked at the fort.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Missouri River - Platte, SD</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">Sailboats. Wind. The grasshopper grave yard on my
radiator. The profound peace of ranch country on highway SD-44. The majesty of
the Missouri River near Platte, SD. The strength and silence of the Badlands at
dusk. No fear. Just a feeling of great protection.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">One of the most fantastic parts about being on the road
alone is that no one is your boss, you have no time table, and really you can
take as much time as you’d like to do whatever feels right and pleases you
best. Sometimes, where the ranchland stretches for as far as one can see, I’ll
get out and just sit for a while. I passed through many tiny towns, usually no
more than a general store and sometimes a gas station, but often not even that.
Sometimes it’s just a lone saloon on a run down street of ‘has been’ buildings
in ill repair. There was Witten, SD, pop. 87, and Buffalo, not much bigger.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">I visted Badlands National Park. It was late afternoon by
the time I arrived. <b>A little tip</b>: if you go in late and leave late, it’s free.
I’m not going to write too much down about the park at night. You’ll just have
to go and experience it for yourself. The approach in itself was almost
haunting. I arrived from the south where they gray expanse of cliffs and
pinnacles seemed almost foreboding, stretching between the endless sky and the
forgiving green of the ranchlands and buttes. The wind is howling around you
and the only sign of civilization is the roach, on which you have not seen a
car for the past hour. And then suddenly, there’s Interior, SD, the run down
south entry point into the park and highly recommended over Wall on the other
side, which came off to me as a busy tourist mecca almost robbing the
experience of wildness and beauty from the entrance to the park.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Sailing, South Dakota</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">I arrived in the badlands via Yankton, SD, where I stayed with
the most dear and wonderful hosts, Thane and Brenda Paulson of Sioux Falls.
They not only opened their home to me, but also their <b>sailboat</b>. I am so
greateful for the trust they gave to me when they put me to work on the boat
for a night sail, and then in preparation for the race down the Missouri river.
I remember asking a billion questions and learning about how and why the wind
works around the sails. I remember hoisting the main sail and helping open up
the sloop sail, learning about real and apparent wind direction and riding,
legs over the guard rail on the bow of the boat into the moonlight. I slept
better than I had in years that night to the gentle rocking of the boat in the
harbor. Sailing is on my list of things to explore more. I’ll be looking for a
way to do that. I ended up leaving quite early in the morning to a route
recommended by Thane and Brenda down rte. 44 from Yankton to Rapid City.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">They said it would be beautiful, but I’ve been learning
more and more to keep my expectations open. I had no idea that just beyond
Platte, SD, I would meet the mighty Missouri River, which approached from above
gives an unprecedented view of vastness and power of the water and
the valley below. Snaking around the bend from rte. 44 on the east side of the river,
I found a quite park, where amongst a grandma and her two grandkids, stripped
down to my underwear and swam and flipped and splashed in the water, the same
water that Louis and Clark touched 200 years prior.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Wild Horses, North Dakota</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">I’ve always had a tendency to want to optimize what I see
and do; To plan it out just right so that I’ll get the best parts. But really,
<b>everything that ends up happening turns out to be stunning in its own,
surprising way</b>. I reached Theodore Roosevelt National Park around 5pm on
Monday, August 30<sup>th</sup>. A storm was brewing, and I forged into the park
just as the few remaining visitors were leaving. It was here that, as the rain
abated, I told the earth, the sky, the clouds, the sun, the river, the rain and
the creatures on the land and the air that smelled of sage and sweet grass, in
a voice that was not quiet, that I AM ALIVE! I AM OK! And I LOVE YOU! And the
sky, and the clouds and the sun and the air answered with the fullest rainbow I
have ever seen; a full rainbow from horizon to horizon, and my first North
Dakota Eagle. I stayed in the park until late that night, met some <b>wild
horses</b> plodding along the road, which I watched for quite some time
before heading out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">It’s daylight now, and I am sitting along the little
Missouri River, the hills of the badlands stretching in front of me, the sky
blue, and the wind in my hair. I met the horses again, ambling down the road
and then galloping across the field in front of me down to the river, where
they turned and looked before heading down the bank to get a drink. One has not
seen true freedom until they have seen the wild horse, of this I am sure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A storm near Buffalo, ND</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">In a place like this, amongst the buttes of the badlands,
the prairie dogs (and their little high pitched barks), the wild horses, the
scent of sage and the wind in the grass, you just <b>wish that these
moments would go on forever</b>. You want to stay, you want to find a way to
come back, or live here forever. You want to hold onto it and make it last. But
like most things in life, <b>there’s a time to let go of this too</b>. To
pass through and be full of love and thanks for what you have been where you
have been and what you have felt. And then you move on, and new things, lovely
things, magical things, will always join you on the way. There will be many difficult things too. But there will also be magic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">Often, I’ll stand in the grasses, the wild ranchland
spreading out in front of me <b>and imagine what it would have been to
live out here on the planes</b>, under the shadows of the grand imposing buttes
with the wind at your back on horseback, as an Indian or as a settler. The
earth here has so many stories to tell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 10pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Someone I spoke with in passing told me I should make sure
I have a radio with me at all time, because folks from the city, they can’t
stand the<b> silence</b>. But I think I crave it. Even here though, in the
park, it’s hard to escape the sound of a car passing in the distance or even an
occasional airplane overhead. I can’t put down the wonderfulness of technology
(for here I am amongst the grasses and rocks typing on my little pocket sized
computer), but there have been many times when I choose not to bring a camera,
or even the binoculars because I just want to be there. I want to come here and
stay for days, explore by foot and by horseback. I’ve never been so content as
when I am outside.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</div>Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1686799121235118961.post-61035743447228315482011-01-02T01:31:00.000-06:002012-02-08T00:10:06.546-06:00Why I quit my job to bumble around the United States and Canada in a car... among other things<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Albuquerque, NM</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">On June 3<sup>rd</sup>, 2010, I quit my job; my secure job,
where I was doing great, and that I loved to death, that afforded me a nice
apartment in a gorgeous neighborhood, meals out, a great retirement plan, a
nice insurance package and enough extra cash to travel during the summers. Handing in that notice of resignation set
things in motion that could not have been stopped unless I decided to scramble
to find another cushy job to sustain my cushy lifestyle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So why didn’t I do that? Why did I chose to quit, and then
proceed to pack up and leave my apartment, sell unnecessary belongings, and
take off across the country to help on farms and ranches where I’d receive room
and board in exchange for my work and learning. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I got a lot of feedback, namely the
“you’re-really-gonna-waste-all-your-savings-going-on-a-long-vacation-for-an-undefined-period-of-time-oh-and-what-about-insurance?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I’m not on vacation. Well, ok sometimes I am, like now, on
the train from visiting my most favorite Abby in the world on my way to New
York City to visit the most amazing Amy ever.
But the work will start again once I head off to New Mexico to learn how
to gentle wild mustangs for adoption. I am quite excited!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I think I am doing this because I had to. Because I knew if
I didn’t, I would probably spend the next 40 years of my life in the same job,
in the same city, escaping during summers to tour the world, but with far too
much cushioning and stability to go back to at home to really learn what I want
to learn from it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">In my past, every job I’ve ever applied to, I’ve gotten it.
If I ever needed something done, I could just hire someone to do it. I decided
to leave that behind because I need to learn about living; things about life
that you can’t learn in front of teenagers in a classroom, with a nice pension
in the bank, and a soft bed to come home to every day. I need to learn how to
scramble for things, to pick myself up no matter how hard it gets, to fix my
car, and how to go “oh shit, I really don’t have *any* money, now what?” and
fix that situation by the skin of my own teeth. And I need to learn about
horses. Because, really you haven’t become old until your dreams have become
regrets. And I have never dreamed so much about horses or felt so at peace when
I am around them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I do sometimes feel a tremendous pressure from within
myself, to make something big of this. I often find myself battling with my own
mind over whether it is worth the time and the money to do what I am doing;
traveling around and basically volunteering for room and board, while stopping
to earn just enough cash to keep me half afloat when I need it. Sometimes I ask
myself “what if you take these few years on the road, and you don’t end up
having learned what you wanted, and end up back where you started. Well, I
suppose if that happens, at least I will have tried. Looking back at what I’ve
learned in the past 6 months already, it’s already worth it. Money can always
be earned. You have to just believe that you can do whatever is before you, for
as Nietzsche said <i>‘He who has a why can
endure any how’</i>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Sometimes the process is just as or more important than the final result. In the end, who cares whether I met my pre-determined goals. Regardless, I have learned much from the process of simply doing what makes me come alive.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">There is a quote that I found recently, from Howard Thurman
I believe (who is he… that’s something to look up for sure), that I think
expresses what I mean to say perfectly. It goes like this:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="apple-style-span"><i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and
go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.<o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>
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<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; line-height: 115%;">Horses, the traveling that
goes with it, having to constantly work hard for what I want and build things
up from scratch *are* what make me come alive, and I heartily believe that if I
am alive, everything right will eventually follow. I just need to be awake to
realize it’s there, and I am starting to think in a few of the cases I just might
be awake enough to grab them by the horns and ride off parallel to the sunset
(riding into the sunset really just blinds you, trust me, I’ve tried it).<span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="apple-style-span"><i><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">All
truly wise thoughts have been thought already, thousands of times; but to make
them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take firm
root in our personal experience.</span></i></span><i><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe</span></span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I have heard quotes about living your life to the fullest,
every day being a gift, living in the moment, just doing it…on and on and on.
But none of them have really stuck and become part of me until I have lived
those moments when I said to myself
“Alyssa, this is scary, can you really do it?” and my legs answered for
me by getting up and just doing it. I’m writing this, so that means I didn’t
die or lose any significant part of myself, and so, I, myself learned that I
*can* indeed just do it, by trusting myself. No number of repetitions of any
quote could have taught me that. I feel smarter, I feel wiser, I feel more
ready for what I will meet in the world with these lessons that *I* have
experienced firsthand. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It has also been an exercise in letting go. Letting go of
what I had, letting go of what I know, letting go of fears of going into the
unknown, letting go of old insecurities, letting go of needs I thought I had
but didn’t really, letting go of excuses that I couldn’t do what I wanted to
do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The first thing to let go of was dependable income, and with it, the idea
that having a dependable income is what kept me floating. Yet, I learned if I
focus on what is around me and experience it fully, right now, it is far more
enriching than having a padded bank account. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Indeed it is quite easy to have
fun with very little money, and things I used to buy, well I think I can do
without them (still not sure about cool footwear though… that’s always going to
be a staple in my life I think).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The next thing to go along with the income and
job was my apartment, the first place where I had actually made a home for
myself. At which point, I started to think that the place of my true home is
inside myself, and have been cultivating that idea ever since. There is even a
word for it from the Buddhist religion: Tathata, which I understand as the
state of suchness; accepting things as they are and not how your emotions
dictate them to be. And with this tool, I am learning to able to be at home in
my heart. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And lastly, I gave up my job, and the fun and
meaningfulness that I felt every day working with my students and the
smiles they gave me and the lessons I gave them. I miss them on a daily basis,
but from leaving, I have begun to accept there is a time for things to begin
and a time for things to end, and that it’s best not to be greedy and want more. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I gave up a lot of things to do this, but what I have gained
seems far more priceless to me in the long run. My own growing sense of
independence and care for myself has lead me to be much less needy towards
others, for if I can find self assurance and support within my own heart, I
won’t look need to cling to friends and family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This is all an ongoing process of course. I do also have to say that much of what I’ve
written here is also a bit idealistic, since there have been, are and will be
plenty of times when I am frozen stiff and it takes all my courage to just get
out of bed in the morning, and I definitely have a lot of freak out days when I
wonder if I’ll just run out of money and
the will to do anything about it and end up in a ditch somewhere. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I’m doing this because I needed to learn how to take risks.
And I’m doing that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;">Inspiration does exist, but it must find you working. (The
definition of work however, may not be what you think it is).<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 10pt;"> -
P. Picasso</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
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</div>Tathatahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04046610408427052211noreply@blogger.com0