Why We Absolutely Must Call Depression By Its Name

Recently someone who I care about a lot was hospitalized for a suicide attempt after years of battling with depression. He chose to make his intent known on facebook, through which there was a massive intervention by friends, and he was taken into safety before he could do any serious harm. He was well enough to post from the hospital about where he was, which was followed by a beautiful outpouring of love and support on his facebook wall. Many people had lovely things to say to him, about him, for him. Some were confused as to why he was in the hospital to begin with, since he hadn’t given much detail in his original status. There were many explanations of course, but not one of them, or any of the kind notes people left him made reference to what was truly happening:

My friend was horribly depressed and tried to kill himself.

Depression. DEPRESSION!!! De.pr.es.si.on. Depressed. Deeeeeeepressed. I’m depressed. He’s depressed. De-pr-es-se-d. Say it. Depression. I dare you.

But hardly anyone ever does.

Instead, we tell each other ‘she’s having a hard time these days’, or maybe ‘he’s going through a lot of shit’. I’m ‘in pain’ or ‘life has been difficult lately and ‘I’m in a difficult place right now’.

But if you say outright that you’re depressed, the first image that tends to come to mind is seeing a shrink, taking medication and questions with statements like ‘why are you so negative all the time, just look on the bright side for once.’ People get teased and shamed for seeking help, afraid of being seen as weak.

Regarding my friend, who is currently on the other side of the country, more than anything, I sit in anticipation wondering if this will be a turning point for him as I so desperately hope it will be.

A suicide attempt is a notable event that often incites a lot of support and acts of affection towards those who suffer. However, once the ‘excitement’ surrounding the suicide attempt dies down, the underlying cause of such attempts, such as depression, abuse or other illnesses of the brain, don’t usually end when the person is released from the hospital, or two weeks afterwards, or six months. They continue, and the more visible forms of support (i.e kind and loving facebook notes and bringing over dinner…etc) wane. It then often becomes up to the sufferer to drag themselves out of their personal hell and seek help on their own, or with much less love and help than they actually need.

I’m not going to describe what depression feels like or is. This video from the WHO does a really good job of it, so I’ll let (or should I insist?) you watch that. Instead I’m going to advocate for calling depression what it is, a disease of the brain. I’m going to advocate for seeing people with depression as no different than someone with a severely broken leg or severed limb; something that can be worked and healed without shame or fear of being weak. This is a call to acknowledge what depression and other feelings are, and continuously speak out about them, discuss them, because this fosters a community of continual support that won’t die away when the dramatic event of an attempted suicide has passed.

Lastly, if you suffer from depression or any other mental illness, go ahead and say it. Tell the world eloquently and beautifully, showing the amazing person that you truly are.

For I am me, teacher, car-fixer, avid reader, lover of all things alive. I am financially independent, living on my own with my partner, juggling a full time job, hobbies, relationships and friendships and all the responsibilities that go with all of that. Behind closed doors (and sometimes not) I also have suffered from severe depression, self destructive behavior and anxiety (recently given the neat little label of ‘borderline personality disorder’), and I’m not afraid to say it. Some days (or weeks, or months) are worse than others, some are outright hell on earth, but some are also wonderful. I don't believe I will ever be cured of this clinical condition, but through much therapy, thinking and life experience, I have learned to embrace and accept what I am as OK and even successful. There will always be ups and downs in my life, but I know that for each down, there will also be an up. I can get through this. 

This is me, and this is real.

Thank you.

On Being Brave - Part 1

My family gathered over the Easter/Passover weekend. It wasn't my blood family (besides my parents), but rather family by choice; dear friends, my godparents all joined us for a sedar, the ceremony and meal based around the story of the Exodus. For us, it's a night full of poetry, thought, song and good food. 

And there was a point, where my dad looked at me and asked me to read a poem he had chosen. It went like this:

I, Miriam, stand at the sea

And turn

To face the desert

Stretching endless and

Still.

My eyes are dazzled

The sky brilliant blue

Sunburnt sands unyielding white.

My hands turn to dove wings.

My arms

Reach

For the sky

And I want to sing 

the song rising inside me.

My mouth open

I stop.

Where are the words? 

Where is the melody?

In a moment of panic

My eyes go blind.

Can I take a step 

Without knowing a

Destination?

Will I falter

Will I fall

Will the ground sink away from under me?

The song still unformed -

How can I sing? 

I started to cry. I wanted to run away, hide my face, but I didn't. I don't know if my dad had chosen it for me to read on purpose, or if it was just my turn cause I hadn't read in a while. 


But be chose aptly, because this poem is about me. It's about how every morning, I face the day, feeling so unsure of whether I will get through anything and come out safely. 


Leaving your job, your home and everything that is familiar to travel has not always been rainbows and flowers that I and probably many others imagine(d) it might be. It is hard work to forge a new path, and there will be many stumbles and falls that last a very long time. I am someone who craves stability and challenge at the same time. These two do not always go together, and the result has been as much uncertainty and fear as wonder, sometimes more.


Before this point in my life, everything tended to fall into place. Now not so much. This is my first time having to really scramble hard for a job. And it's the first time where I'm really having to step into the unknown. It's terrifying...


And so, what to do next?
The poem did not end there. The first part tells one part of my story, and the second part tells another. Here it is clear what must be done:

To take the first step--

To sing a new song--

Is to close one's eyes and dive

into unknown waters.

For a moment knowing nothing risking all--

but then to discover 

The waters are friendly

The ground is firm.

And the song--

the song rises again.

Out of my mouth 

come words lifting the wind.

And I hear

for the first time

the song

that has been in my heart

silent

unknown

even to me.

And it's true. Whether I able to recognize it at the depths of my fear or not, the result of doing something which scares me is often not even close to as bad as I imagine it would be. 

What is most important is to begin!

I'm sure I'm not the only person to whom this poem applies, or else it's author, Ruth Sohn, would probably not have written it.

For me it serves as a reminder to keep going, and that in order to happen upon the beauty in this world, one is often required to face some deep and difficult fears. How would I ever know that the unknown waters are friendly, even stunning, if I never tried?

___________________________

Stay tuned for 'part 2' where I describe some of the ways I challenge myself by diving into unknown waters.

How I Went From Teaching High School To Traveling Around North America To Returning Home To Work In An Autoshop

... or Why Leaving Everything to Travel Around the United States On My Own Has Been Worth It Beyond My Wildest Dreams

It's been a year and seven months since I took to the road. 

Ye old childhood chair

I’m sitting at home, in the same chair that has been in my bedroom since I was born. It’s been reupholstered a few times, but really it’s still the same chair. The same shape, the same type of fabric, although it isn’t the same color; the material is brand new. I’ve been crying. One of those cries where you just let it rip and sob your heart out. I had put on my headphones and started listening to one of my favorite pieces by 1 Giant Leap, and just let myself collapse. And with the music holding me, I was just there with myself. I didn’t need to call my friend Amy to bawl on her shoulder, although I knew she would have let me, anytime, anywhere. I didn’t start texting Karin with messages about how I’ll never be good enough, because yes, I’ve just been ditched again by a guy that I really really really like(d). I don’t even go grab the parrot. I’m OK being alone with myself, and the music, and my feelings. I’m OK waking up every morning with my chest tight, barely able to breathe from loneliness and anxiety, and doing whatever I need to do anyways.  I couldn’t do this a year ago.

A year ago I also couldn’t have written the letter to Adi (the guy I really really really like(d)) saying that the he was not responsible for my hurt, nor could I help him with his, given the choice he had made to break up with me, and the best thing that he could possibly do is leave me be to heal on my own. (We had been going together for a number of months, when he called me from his parents’ house over x-mas break to say that he had recently met another girl and was already engaged to her.  We met a few days later at his bequest. The guilt about it was literally coming out of his pours, and he wanted to remain friends, checking in on me, to see how I was ‘recovering’ every few days. But to let him do that would not have been good for me, so I said so.)

Banjo the Mustang 

and I overcame our fears together

In writing that letter, I have taken another risk, I have stood up for myself, just like I did a year and a half ago when I sold most of my things, gave up my home, my well-paid job teaching Russian to high school students, and took the road to work with complete strangers on ranches with horses, because it's what I wanted to do.

I was on the road for a little over 9 months actually. I spent time in Saskatchewan on a horse breeding ranch, and then down in Colorado working as a drywall installer, riding the neighbors horses in the cow pastures in my spare time. I went to New Mexico to gentle and train wild caught Mustang horses on a Bureau of Land Management contract. I was planning to go to Tennessee to work another horse ranch, but my car broke down midway in Coleman, Texas, and I ended up going from church to church looking for someone who would take me in. The car would take over a month to repair. I got to know Coleman fairly well by then, and some awfully kind people too.  

My car had been my life blood on the road, taking me from place to place, through the most gorgeous of landscapes, and away from bat-shit-crazy-insane ranch bosses at a moment’s notice. She (yes, my car is female) has also been the source of some awesome music jamming and great conversations with myself about myself and what I’m experiencing. And it was at this point (after $3000 of repairs!!) that I realized, I cannot keep doing this without knowing what is going on under that hood. When I returned to Chicago, I took her to a local mechanic for something minor, and was also advised that my front brake pads were low.

Screw this, I thought. I know someone who knows how to work on cars. I’ll contact them and see if they can help me. My brake pads will be the first part of my education.

My awesome and trusty Subaru WRX

And so I found myself in the garage of the son of one of my father’s graduate school friends. And that’s how it all started. I’ve spent more of my summer and fall than I’d like to admit tinkering around with my car and fixing all the things that so-called  ‘professional’ mechanics messed up. And there was a lot! (I ended up having to redo a shoddy clutch job that my local garage had done right before I first set off. The repair that ended up being done in Texas also should never have had to happen. It was the timing belt that broke and destroyed everything in its wake. I had had the preventive maintenance done just 10 months earlier in Chicago… badly as it turned out. I’m not going to list the rest of it, but if you can believe it, there’s more!).

That’s how I ended up working in an auto shop.

And I really love it.

                                                                        _______________________________

My name is lust, I’m not a thing, more like a quality, I attach myself behind your eyes temporarily and blind you everything you think you might want to be, make you promise me everything for fame, for idolatry, and when I leave you cannot ever follow me, find yourself confined in solitary[1].

I think I’m going to look back at this essay and kick myself for using Adi so much in my explanation of things, but events with him are present, and they explain what I want to say pretty well. Hopefully by the time I reread this, I’ll be over him. Actually I know I will be, because I am learning how to look see reality versus the lust and dream world that I have created since my childhood.

In my eyes, Adi was near perfect. He was passionate about life in a way that I rarely see in anyone these days, yet not a work-a-holic or social climber. He knew how to relax. Even in the relatively short time that we knew each other, I felt really comfortable around him, and he would allow me the space to grow and be myself without being too judgmental. We had a load of stuff in common and could just converse on nearly any topic. Our values were similar, and oh my gosh was he cute!  But then in the middle of all of this wonderfulness and hope, he meets someone new, and within a week is engaged to her.

I cried so hard. Felt so hurt, angry, frustrated, sad, lost…all sorts of intense feelings that were bouncing around my head and driving me insane. We were so great together! He has everything I’ve ever dreamed of, and is such a nice person as well. But wait…. Stop a moment Alyssa and look, listen. Do you really think that even if he decided to come back to you that you could trust him after he changed his mind about who he wanted to be with so quickly? Would you want to be in a relationship with someone you could not trust?  I shake my head, no. This is the reality of the situation, and I have chosen to stop and listen and hear it. I am very glad I did.

This ability to do a reality check has also been helping me in one of my most self destructive and life destroying habits; When something difficult happens, I tend to turn all my anger in on myself in the form of physical pain and mental self deprecation. Recently though, I’ve been catching myself when my mind starts to say all those horrible assumptions about me. Are those thoughts really true? Or is it just my delusions of habit playing tricks on me? Once that is done, I know I can stop those extremely destructive thoughts.  I’m getting better at it.

We make and choose our own happiness.

This is a great quote. It also comes in forms like ‘The power of positive thinking…’ and ‘Smile and the world will smile back!’ I have spent years upon years trying to make this work for me. Literally trying to squeeze a positive thought out of a misfortune to the point of probably looking constipated, or get involved with something new when I’m feeling down, except that when I’m feeling down everything seems absolutely hopeless beyond repair so what’s the point?!

On the roof - I really enjoy
 doing physical work

What was I missing? Why couldn’t I do this like everyone else seems to?  As it turns out, I just needed time and the right circumstances to figure it out. There are a lot of wonderful quotes out there, but to really understand them, I believe I need to have lived them myself. You can’t just choose to be happy one day. It must be cultivated. It must be cultivated through valuing yourself enough to treat yourself kindly and know how to meet your basic needs of respect and peace in your life, even if that means you must make compromises. It must be cultivated through doing things that truly make your heart soar, and by building a foundation of love (love for things that you do, and love for yourself among other things), so that when things do get tough, you have these habits solidly within yourself to call on.

This brings me to another quote that I love dearly and that I have misinterpreted until very recently. ‘Let the beauty of what you love be what you do’.  My dear friends, this has next to NOTHING to do with the work you do to put food on your table and a roof over your head (although if you are in a situation where it does, that is absolutely wonderful too!).

My name is pain I attach myself to your life temporarily, and nearly everybody in the world is afraid of me, but in reality there would be no self discovery and why would you need to have mercy without me, for all that you curse me you should never forget …

I’ve been away for a long time see… waiting for someone to rescue me… one woman came with a gift for me… go find yourself then come for me… but I’ve been away for too long you see… I’ve been away from the hurt in me… 

I have been learning that pain is a part of life. It cannot be avoided, and should definitely not be ignored. If you ignore it, it will just find its way back through a different route. It’s what makes us recognize the beautiful things as beautiful. Working through it and with it, and then knowing that I have the choice to let it go once I’ve visited with it is something very important. I think it will save me from much more pain in the long run. I don’t know or recall how I realized this, it just happened.

Afterall, it was through my pain in telling Adi goodbye that I got the inspiration to write this piece. And this is something I’ve wanted to bang out for a long time. It’s pretty meaningful to me. I don’t think I could have done it without the tears that gave me focus.

I also know that is isn’t Adi, who gave this to me. This is me who recognized and gave this opportunity to me. I am the one doing the work here. He was only a catalyst for the circumstances that brought me to this work.

Adi isn’t the only person I’ve lost recently. In the beginning of 2011, my heart and love of over four years decided to ‘take some time to himself’ and break off our plans to be married, to have a family, a home, support each other in our lives and ambitions. Truthfully I’m still reeling from it, though we are still in touch somewhat. I haven’t the strength yet to write the proverbial ‘letter’ and take care of my own needs above my desire to be with him and my love for him, like I know I will need to do eventually. But I think I’m on the way now.

No one else can hold onto my pain for me. No amount of crying to anyone else or anything someone else can do for me will heal me completely. I have to do most of this hard work on my own. And with this realization of having to do emotional work on my own, I have also taken to heart how important it is that I work for anything that I want, and take the consequences for my actions. I’m choosing not to go into detail on this topic, but as of late, I have an ever deepening sense that I can do this on my own. It doesn’t mean I will never accept or ask for help. The human race wouldn’t exist if we didn’t help and care for and support each other at times. But I know I can stand stronger now.

I suppose what I’m saying is, I wouldn’t ever dare discount the type of work that I’ve been doing these days from actual work. No amount of career ladder climbing, investing for retirement (which goes hand in hand with that nice career salary), or whatever else it was that I am “supposed to be doing at this age” could have taught me what I’m coming away with now. I believe had I paid attention to all those “should haves” I would not have been able to take the time to listen to my own self; the only teacher that is capable of understanding all these lessons for me.

 I’m the same girl, I look the same, I’m (pretty much) the same shape and the same color, but it’s my heart and my mind that I feel are starting to become a new fabric. If I keep going in the direction that I am headed now, no ‘career’ that I want to pursue will be too difficult to tackle (There will be times of extreme difficulty though I am sure of it). Over the past year and a half, I have given up and/or lost many things which were dear to me, I have lived on next to nothing and survived. I’ve failed miserably at relationships and jobs. I’ve had the time to stop and listen and learn more than I can even count about what is important to me and what I stand for.  I’ve learned to see what is real around me and act on it, and not my own delusions and fantasies. The majority of it has been incredibly painful.

But as these things I’m learning solidify,  so much more of the world is in my reach. Right now I have a sound mind, a healthy body, and a way to earn the roof over my head and the food that I eat. It’s not what I used to earn, and certainly doesn’t come with a retirement fund, but I will not be a burden.  I have my music and at least half the days of the year will not be gray and cloudy. 

Inspiration does exist; it just needs to find you working.

This is not the first time I've mentioned this quote … but this time, I ask you: What does ‘work’ mean to you? And who the hell are you, if nothing you think you ‘own’ is truly yours?

---

[1] Quotes are roughly transcribed from the Jaimie Catto music project called ‘1 Giant Leap’ and ‘What about Me?’

Why I quit my job to bumble around the United States and Canada in a car... among other things

Albuquerque, NM

On June 3^rd, 2010, I quit my job; my secure job, where I was doing great, and that I loved to death, that afforded me a nice apartment in a gorgeous neighborhood, meals out, a great retirement plan, a nice insurance package and enough extra cash to travel during the summers.  Handing in that notice of resignation set things in motion that could not have been stopped unless I decided to scramble to find another cushy job to sustain my cushy lifestyle.

So why didn’t I do that? Why did I chose to quit, and then proceed to pack up and leave my apartment, sell unnecessary belongings, and take off across the country to help on farms and ranches where I’d receive room and board in exchange for my work and learning.

I got a lot of feedback, namely the “you’re-really-gonna-waste-all-your-savings-going-on-a-long-vacation-for-an-undefined-period-of-time-oh-and-what-about-insurance?”

I’m not on vacation. Well, ok sometimes I am, like now, on the train from visiting my most favorite Abby in the world on my way to New York City to visit the most amazing Amy ever.  But the work will start again once I head off to New Mexico to learn how to gentle wild mustangs for adoption. I am quite excited!

I think I am doing this because I had to. Because I knew if I didn’t, I would probably spend the next 40 years of my life in the same job, in the same city, escaping during summers to tour the world, but with far too much cushioning and stability to go back to at home to really learn what I want to learn from it.

In my past, every job I’ve ever applied to, I’ve gotten it. If I ever needed something done, I could just hire someone to do it. I decided to leave that behind because I need to learn about living; things about life that you can’t learn in front of teenagers in a classroom, with a nice pension in the bank, and a soft bed to come home to every day. I need to learn how to scramble for things, to pick myself up no matter how hard it gets, to fix my car, and how to go “oh shit, I really don’t have *any* money, now what?” and fix that situation by the skin of my own teeth. And I need to learn about horses. Because, really you haven’t become old until your dreams have become regrets. And I have never dreamed so much about horses or felt so at peace when I am around them.

I do sometimes feel a tremendous pressure from within myself, to make something big of this. I often find myself battling with my own mind over whether it is worth the time and the money to do what I am doing; traveling around and basically volunteering for room and board, while stopping to earn just enough cash to keep me half afloat when I need it. Sometimes I ask myself “what if you take these few years on the road, and you don’t end up having learned what you wanted, and end up back where you started. Well, I suppose if that happens, at least I will have tried. Looking back at what I’ve learned in the past 6 months already, it’s already worth it. Money can always be earned. You have to just believe that you can do whatever is before you, for as Nietzsche said ‘He who has a why can endure any how’. 


Sometimes the process is just as or more important than the final result. In the end, who cares whether I met my pre-determined goals. Regardless, I have learned much from the process of simply doing what makes me come alive.

There is a quote that I found recently, from Howard Thurman I believe (who is he… that’s something to look up for sure), that I think expresses what I mean to say perfectly. It goes like this:

Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

Horses, the traveling that goes with it, having to constantly work hard for what I want and build things up from scratch *are* what make me come alive, and I heartily believe that if I am alive, everything right will eventually follow. I just need to be awake to realize it’s there, and I am starting to think in a few of the cases I just might be awake enough to grab them by the horns and ride off parallel to the sunset (riding into the sunset really just blinds you, trust me, I’ve tried it).

All truly wise thoughts have been thought already, thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take firm root in our personal experience.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I have heard quotes about living your life to the fullest, every day being a gift, living in the moment, just doing it…on and on and on. But none of them have really stuck and become part of me until I have lived those moments when I said to myself  “Alyssa, this is scary, can you really do it?” and my legs answered for me by getting up and just doing it. I’m writing this, so that means I didn’t die or lose any significant part of myself, and so, I, myself learned that I *can* indeed just do it, by trusting myself. No number of repetitions of any quote could have taught me that. I feel smarter, I feel wiser, I feel more ready for what I will meet in the world with these lessons that *I* have experienced firsthand.

It has also been an exercise in letting go. Letting go of what I had, letting go of what I know, letting go of fears of going into the unknown, letting go of old insecurities, letting go of needs I thought I had but didn’t really, letting go of excuses that I couldn’t do what I wanted to do. 

The first thing to let go of was dependable income, and with it, the idea that having a dependable income is what kept me floating. Yet, I learned if I focus on what is around me and experience it fully, right now, it is far more enriching than having a padded bank account. 

Indeed it is quite easy to have fun with very little money, and things I used to buy, well I think I can do without them (still not sure about cool footwear though… that’s always going to be a staple in my life I think).

The next thing to go along with the income and job was my apartment, the first place where I had actually made a home for myself. At which point, I started to think that the place of my true home is inside myself, and have been cultivating that idea ever since. There is even a word for it from the Buddhist religion: Tathata, which I understand as the state of suchness; accepting things as they are and not how your emotions dictate them to be. And with this tool, I am learning to able to be at home in my heart. 

And lastly, I gave up my job, and the fun and  meaningfulness that I felt every day working with my students and the smiles they gave me and the lessons I gave them. I miss them on a daily basis, but from leaving, I have begun to accept there is a time for things to begin and a time for things to end, and that it’s best not to be greedy and want more. 

I gave up a lot of things to do this, but what I have gained seems far more priceless to me in the long run.   My own growing sense of independence and care for myself has lead me to be much less needy towards others, for if I can find self assurance and support within my own heart, I won’t look need to cling to friends and family.

This is all an ongoing process of course.  I do also have to say that much of what I’ve written here is also a bit idealistic, since there have been, are and will be plenty of times when I am frozen stiff and it takes all my courage to just get out of bed in the morning, and I definitely have a lot of freak out days when I wonder if I’ll just run out of money and  the will to do anything about it and end up in a ditch somewhere.

I’m doing this because I needed to learn how to take risks. And I’m doing that.

Inspiration does exist, but it must find you working. (The definition of work however, may not be what you think it is).

                           - P. Picasso