Recently, I returned to the city where I grew up for a
wedding. My wonderful new partner and I stayed with my parents, and we had the
chance to see friends that we hadn’t seen in quite some time.
Leading up to the departure, I felt wildly excited. We would
get to explore the city together and meet each other’s besties since childhood
for the first time. We would get to go to the lake, relax and have some time
away from work without stress. We were going home. We were going where it all
would be ok, safe and welcoming.
Except, it wasn’t.
I’ve been in New Orleans for a year and a half now, and for
the first time since moving here, my return to my hometown felt awkward and vulnerable.
My friends were still there, with open arms, but the connections were
different. Places that had once been a haven for me were no longer. It was not
home, and despite the wonderful time spent and merriment and love, I was so
glad to return to Louisiana, to return… home?
But New Orleans, with its freshly familiar road ways, dear
friends and the apartment I have been working on so hard to make cozy, warm and
welcoming, isn’t quite home yet either. It is becoming one, but in the mean
time, I am emotionally, quite homeless., neither here nor there. And, let me
tell you dear friends, it can be quite nerve wracking for a little zodiac cancer
like me.
The fact that my former
fiancé has been invading my mind, my dreams and, especially while visiting my hometown
where we had lived, my memories, hasn’t been a sweet icing on the cake either.
…Except for when,
amidst the inequality and misery of our relationship, at the best moments, remembering
how he was able to give me a feeling of complete and utter safety and
acceptance. A home, so to speak. Something I have not been able to find in a
person since, and a feeling that to this day, I can conjure up at a moments
notice to feel that sense of security that I so badly want.
And ooooooh does
this feel good to homeless little cancer me.
But oh, do I
wish it didn’t have anything to do with him.
So, why, why,
why, why?
Because, habit,
habit, habit.
For so many
years, my ex was emotional go-to in my imagination, whenever I felt down, or
scared, or alone. And now, in a time when I feel particularly vulnerable and
emotionally homeless, it’s not surprising where my mind goes.
Although I don’t
want him in my head, he serves a purpose that is very logical and real for my
current needs. I do believe though, that with time, he will no longer be the
vessel for my sense of safety, home and comfort. With time, I hope to find it
elsewhere, in New Orleans, in my friends here, and my surroundings, in my
partner, and in myself.
In the mean time, I don’t think that my inability to find
100% comfort in a person is a bad thing. The relationship I am in now is
delightful, refreshing and full of great conversation, debate and equal footing
where no one is better or more authoritative than the other. I do find so much comfort in him, just
not 100%. And the fact that I don’t find 100% comfort my partner is in fact, a
good thing. It allows me to learn to find my own comfort in who I am and where
I am, and that is of utmost importance.
